Dear Neocitizen,
I want to preface this with, this is a reflection on my experience, It is not supposed to be a piece of advice for other people or tell you how to feel about your personal experiences. It's about me and my experiences.
I have been told by countless muslims, whether they were peers, cab drivers, or family memebers that I should always make dhikr with the word alhumdullilah. Dhikr being, the word for remembrance particularly that of God, and Alhumdullilah meaning 'Praise be to God', but also used as 'thank God'. This was the no.1 peice of advice I got whenever I told people about hardship I was going through and asking for advice and guidance on my freshly started journey with islam. I didn't understand it and as such I didn't implement it.
So, the question that was holding me back: "why should I give thanks to God when bad things are happening to me, or when my shitty situation isn't improving". As a Muslim who believes in God I beleive god has many attributes three of them being God is all powerful, all loving and all knowing. Through not fully understnading this, I had built up an expectation of how I should be treated by God.
Well ... if God loves me, why wouldn't he help me with my health issues, financial issues, family issues. Why wont he just make me a good muslim . I have been, and will probably continue to hear the 'this life is a test and God will reward you in the next life' arguement SOOOO many times but that doesnt neccessarily help me in the moment. If ANYTHING it pushes me away from God. I'm not saying that those people are wrong, but what my brain heard is "you arent doing a good enough job, you need to just try harder, study more, pray more." It presented a God that was indifferent to my pain and suffering, and while feeling this distance from my creator I was told, now say thank you? It felt like a stake was being pushed further into my chest.
Earlier this month, I started making dua (asking god) for a lot of things **cough cough money cough cough** and Praise be to God it came true! It also came with a catch, I was now working a full part time job along side my medical school working hours. That was terrifying. I spent weeks neglecting my academics, feeling horrible about neglecting my uni work and my health, feeling horrible about not praying ESPECIALLY during the month where I was supposed to be praying MORE (that was my personal goal). I was also making dua for God to make me a stronger person, as I've been struggling a lot with low self worth and literal physical weakness because of an underlying joint problem.
Now, if you made it this far you're probably not feeling very hopeful MAH BAD. Aren't they supposed to be talking about gratefulness and how to be grateful even in times of hardship? It was the night of the 25th of Ramadan that I had my singular neuron decide to start working. I realized that all of my requests had come true. I went from having 3 hours of work to 12 in the span of a week, my income had increased and I would be able to pay off my debts. Through this I was starting to get better with time management and routine (something I struggle greatly with as I continue to raw dog ADHD medication-less). Physically I had started to lose weight as Ramadan forced me to acknowledge and to some extent address my unhealthy relationship with food. The list goes on, but, Neocitizen, I hope you understand I would rather keep the details of my short comings between my lord and my heart.
Now you're probably thinking 'did this %#&@@#&@ just make me read all of this to say oh just think about the positives bro you'll be fine . No. What I took away from this was not all my hardship has some reason I need to find to be grateful for. What I learned was that our lives are not written by us, our destiny is written. I have spent the last 2 years of my life trying to 'fix' my situation rather than adapt to it. Accepting it for what it is and simply moving forward, onward and upwards to greater things. There is a sweet bliss that comes in the ignorance of fully acknowledging the depths of your problems, maybe the girlies were right, being delulu really is the solulu. It was the realization that the All knowing, All Loving, All Powerful God in fact works in ways that my smol feeble human brain cannot handle. That God's love will probably warm me so much that it may at first feel like a burn, as it overcomes my desires and my sin.
So even when I feel like I have nothing to be grateful for, I will try to say Alhumdullilah more, to say grateful for the positives that may come in the future, for the strength I may grow from the suffering I feel, for the empathy that the pain will give me. I will strive to feel the warmth that an all loving creator chose to put me here, place my head to the ground before them, acknowledge that they know things I cannot, and move on with my day. I might look back and be grateful for my hardship, it might let me help or connect with another person. It might not. I cant let myself despair longer than I have. It's hard but no one can save your or make you the person you want to be but you, God can, but why would they, then what good is our suffering if we don't remain on the righteous path in spite of it. Alhumdullilah.